Naked Aliens

There's a de facto vision of other-worldly beings that we all know: the gangly, egg-shaped head, elongated arms, pencil-thin legs and those big black eyes. Instant alien. We saw them in Spielberg's Close Encounters and in thousands of images created by artists of this fanciful repeating vision. Why?

Oh, wait, one more thing: they're naked. No clothes. Who needs clothes on other planets? Waste of xoxxo-blocks. Why wear clothes when you're built for... alienship? The planets they come from are warm and utterly temperate. Or icy cold but we're built for that, so no problem. Also no problem with hiding sexual apparatus, which is really none of your damn business, but whatever: It's all under our skin folds and don't ask exactly where, just trust me, it works. We may look passive and emotionless but when we couple... hoo, boy.

Ditto for shoes. Nope, unnecessary. First off, our skin is like, impervious. Except for gunshots and knife wounds. Not nice when you point those things at us. We're here to either make friends or totally dominate you, so believe me, best thing for you to do is to accept it, relax and enjoy. Easy. No one gets hurt and we all get along under the New Order.

Back to shoes.

We walk slowly and purposefully for a purpose. Our planets are both way bigger and way smaller than yours, so the gravity thing -- it's just better for us to take it easy on Earth. Think of it as a way for you to observe us more easily. When we reveal ourselves, we want to give you a good look. I mean, know your conquer... er, new friends, right?

Dude, if we stay, we'll wear clothes, but why would we want to? Stay, that is. I mean, yer planet is quaint and all but honestly, a globe without a working Globulator is gonna be a hot mess. Always. I mean, just look at yourselves -- you call that livin'?

So go wear your clothes and do your thing. We'll check in on you from time to time and one of these days -- could a while, mind you -- one of these days, we'll have a few laughs together, OK?

Hasta.